What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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