My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
