My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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