I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
