Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
