allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
