five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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