I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
