At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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