You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
