Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I think my fart just growled at me.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
