Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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