i already hear my dad disowning me
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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