ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
