I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
