Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
