I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
