I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
