we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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