My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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