apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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