Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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