Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
