Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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