new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i came on her dog
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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