a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
it hurts more in the daytime
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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