Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
