Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
