I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
you never un-have a 4some
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
