I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
