Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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