My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
