apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
