I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
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