You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
