Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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