Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I didn't notice because vodka
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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