i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
