I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Randomize
