if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
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