Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Dick very happy bro
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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