Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
