Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
