barbara walters just said penis...
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
