He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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