I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
