wat bout pragnant strippers??
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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