My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
