tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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