I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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